{"id":35333,"date":"2013-03-07T14:45:19","date_gmt":"2013-03-07T14:45:19","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/rafaelfajardo.com\/portfolio\/tim-sniffen-writing-drawing-an-open-letter-to\/"},"modified":"2013-03-07T14:45:19","modified_gmt":"2013-03-07T14:45:19","slug":"tim-sniffen-writing-drawing-an-open-letter-to","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/rafaelfajardo.com\/portfolio\/tim-sniffen-writing-drawing-an-open-letter-to\/","title":{"rendered":"tim sniffen writing & drawing: An Open Letter to Yahoo! CEO, Marissa Mayer"},"content":{"rendered":"

femmebot<\/a>:<\/p>\n

\n

tim sniffen writing & drawing: An Open Letter to Yahoo! CEO, Marissa Mayer<\/a><\/p>\n

mrsniffen<\/a>:<\/p>\n

\n

Ms. Mayer, Empress of all Yahoo!<\/em>,<\/p>\n

Hello. My name is Tim Sniffen. I\u2019ve been a Yahoo!<\/em> junior server administrator for eleven years.<\/p>\n

It was with a stab of terror that I read your memo asking \u201call employees with work-from-home arrangements to work in Yahoo! offices.\u201d I realize we\u2019re in a time of crucial transition, and many people will benefit from more personal contact and unscheduled brainstorming sessions.<\/p>\n

I am not one of those people.<\/p>\n

Ms. Mayer, you do not want me in your office.<\/em><\/p>\n

For eleven years I have worked at home, thrilled with the arrangement Yahoo!<\/em> provided. Free from distractions, free from traffic. Free from the burning, judgmental stares of other humans, from the deafening roar of each one drawing breath into their lumbering carcass.<\/p>\n

Personal contact, Ms. Mayer? The darkness is my companion now. That\u2019s all the contact I need.<\/p>\n

To be clear, where I work should no longer be described as a \u201chome\u201d, but more a \u201cBunker of dark Elven magic.\u201d Eleven years have allowed me to transform this garden apartment into the perfect symbiotic workspace, drawing from the best aspects of the Batcave (Burton-era), Tony Stark\u2019s workshop, Cerebro, and the Batcave (Nolan-era).<\/p>\n

From my motorized chair\/exoskeleton I can maintain every server on the grid. Displays on hovering glass panels indicate data flow, cloud assets, employee location and emotional state. (Green = joy. Blue = despair.) Having tied all system function to eye movement, I can work up to fourteen days completely motionless, aided by the feeding and waste removal tubes in my lower back. (Once I emerged from a coding bender with a fine, downy moss on my legs and trunk, a colony of moths in my hair. Are you honestly ready to bring such a symphony of efficiency to a halt?)<\/p>\n

Obviously you know the need to customize one\u2019s work environment. The nursery connected to your office is common knowledge. Now instead of a nursery, imagine a one-tenth scale LEGO model of Rivendell (yes, including the broken sword of Elendil \u2013 this isn\u2019t amateur hour) and you see why I can\u2019t just fill a cardboard box and show up on Monday. <\/p>\n

In your cursed memo, you mention the need of \u201cphysically being together.\u201d Marissa, I assure you, I will be there. On every conference call; in every web cam, activated or not; behind nearly all the building\u2019s mirrors. I will be there.<\/p>\n

But from the incantations I must speak over my equipment each morning to prevent its\u2019 gaining sentience and rebelling, to the thick smoke produced by sunlight interacting with my skin, you do not want me in your office<\/em>.<\/p>\n

Ms. Mayer, don\u2019t drag Colonel Kurtz down river. Leave this alone.<\/p>\n

If you agree to my request, simply say \u201cyes\u201d out loud. I will hear.<\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/p>\n

Still proud to be a Yahoo!<\/em> even if I\u2019ve long forgotten what it is to be human,<\/p>\n

Tim Sniffen<\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/p>\n

PS: I didn\u2019t leak the memo.<\/p>\n

PPS: As a server admin, I know who did.<\/p>\n

PPPS: I\u2019m already blackmailing them for several other things, so releasing their name to you at this point would upset our complicated agreement.<\/p>\n

PPPPS: Is it way too late to take the\u00a0! out of our name? I always feel compelled to shout it. Granted, with larynx atrophy it only comes out as an anguished gurgle. Still.\u00a0<\/p>\n<\/blockquote>\n<\/blockquote>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

femmebot: tim sniffen writing & drawing: An Open Letter to Yahoo! CEO, Marissa Mayer mrsniffen: Ms. Mayer, Empress of all Yahoo!, Hello. My name is Tim Sniffen. I\u2019ve been a Yahoo! junior server administrator for eleven years. It was with a stab of terror that I read your memo asking \u201call employees with work-from-home arrangements […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paid_content":false,"footnotes":"","jetpack_publicize_message":"","jetpack_publicize_feature_enabled":true,"jetpack_social_post_already_shared":true,"jetpack_social_options":{"image_generator_settings":{"template":"highway","default_image_id":0,"font":"","enabled":false},"version":2}},"categories":[],"tags":[683,1539,1698,744,688,1696,1697],"class_list":["post-35333","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","tag-cyborg","tag-emergent-digital-practices","tag-golem","tag-humor","tag-satire","tag-skynet","tag-troll"],"jetpack_publicize_connections":[],"jetpack_featured_media_url":"","jetpack_shortlink":"https:\/\/wp.me\/p6PWot-9bT","jetpack_sharing_enabled":true,"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/rafaelfajardo.com\/portfolio\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/35333","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/rafaelfajardo.com\/portfolio\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/rafaelfajardo.com\/portfolio\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/rafaelfajardo.com\/portfolio\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/rafaelfajardo.com\/portfolio\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=35333"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/rafaelfajardo.com\/portfolio\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/35333\/revisions"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/rafaelfajardo.com\/portfolio\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=35333"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/rafaelfajardo.com\/portfolio\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=35333"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/rafaelfajardo.com\/portfolio\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=35333"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}