{"id":23113,"date":"2012-08-23T23:22:06","date_gmt":"2012-08-23T23:22:06","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/rafaelfajardo.com\/portfolio\/debbies-rules-for-sex-with-new-partners\/"},"modified":"2012-08-23T23:22:06","modified_gmt":"2012-08-23T23:22:06","slug":"debbies-rules-for-sex-with-new-partners","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/rafaelfajardo.com\/portfolio\/debbies-rules-for-sex-with-new-partners\/","title":{"rendered":"DEBBIE’S RULES FOR SEX WITH NEW PARTNERS"},"content":{"rendered":"

areyouoverityet<\/a>:<\/p>\n

\n

1. I CAN DO WHATEVER I WANT WITH MY BODY.<\/p>\n

2. YOU CAN DO WHATEVER YOU WANT WITH YOUR BODY, LIKE YOU DON\u2019T HAVE TO ASK IF YOU WANNA MASTURBATE DURING SEX.<\/p>\n

3. IF YOU WANT TO DO SOMETHING TO ME YOU HAVE TO ASK AND YOU HAVE TO BE EXTREMELY SPECIFIC. GOOD REQUESTS: \u201cCAN I TAKE OFF YOUR SWEATER?\u201d \u201cCAN I LICK YOU HERE?\u201d\u00a0SPECIFICITY IS CONFUSING SOMETIMES AND ALSO I KNOW IT\u2019S EMBARRASSING.\u00a0BUT\u00a0YOU HAVE TO BE\u00a0AS SPECIFIC AS POSSIBLE. AS I START TO TRUST YOU THIS RULE MIGHT CHANGE.<\/p>\n

4. TELL ME WHETHER YOU WANT ME TO ASK BEFORE I DO THINGS TO YOU.<\/p>\n

5. YOU CAN ASK ME TO DO THINGS TO YOU BUT I MIGHT SAY NO.<\/p>\n

6. IF I ASK YOU TO DO ANYTHING YOU CAN SAY NO.<\/p>\n

7. NO EXPECTATIONS OF RECIPROCITY. ANYBODY CAN SAY NO ANY TIME. WE STOP WHENEVER SOMEONE WANTS TO STOP.<\/p>\n

(thnks\u00a0to the\u00a0Learning Good Consent Zine<\/a>)<\/p>\n

trigger warning: rape<\/p>\n

I had good sex with these rules so I thought I\u2019d share them. In the past, I\u2019ve been inconsistent about insisting on verbal consent, even though it\u2019s really helpful for me. Sometimes it\u2019s just too exhausting to explain the concept of verbal consent to straight boys who\u2019ve never heard of it, and to be vulnerable to their weirdness about it.<\/p>\n

But from now on I want to always insist on these rules, because the last time I didn\u2019t I had weird sex that caused me to dissociate because it triggered my rape. I\u2019ve been socialized to be a really accommodating person, and also I\u2019ve read way too much male-centric erotic fiction. So I respond to feeling scared or vulnerable by trying to be helpful. When I start freaking out or feeling uncomfortable, I sometimes switch into trying to be really sexy and sweet, so that they won\u2019t suspect that I\u2019m freaking out \/ feel bad or ashamed. (I really waste too much of my energy trying to figure out how to not make men feel bad or ashamed, this goes double during sex. It seems really likely that porn has made me overidentify with the male mindset during sex, so it\u2019s like, if *he* thinks that this is good sex, then it must be good sex! As a side note, I think this is a lot of why I identified with Marie Calloway\u2019s piece.) What\u2019s fucked up is that I think I disassociated and faked being present by being sexy and sweet during my rape, and I think I still sometimes revert to doing that during sex, until I go into that weird dissociative headspace, where I just playact or check out and wait for it to be over and then when it\u2019s over I\u2019m just sort of this limp, checked-out body. (Not that it can\u2019t feel good to be fucked limp. But I just feel like I need to build myself back up again before I can make myself vulnerable to that, where it doesn\u2019t make me feel so weird.)<\/p>\n

The last time I did insist on verbal consent, I was with this new guy that I was sort of into. I wanted him to check in with me a lot because I didn\u2019t want to become a false sweet and sexy girl, and I didn\u2019t want to disassociate. So when he asked if he could take off my clothes I told him yes, but that he had to ask before he did anything. He took it sort of playfully at first, like he pointed to a spot on my cheek and asked, \u201cCan I lick you here?\u201d But I just said \u201cyes\u201d in total seriousness and so he licked it, then pointed to another spot on my cheek, further down my face, and asked, \u201cCan I lick you here?\u201d And then he did this like a hundred more times hehe sorry\u00a0I\u2019m blogging about my hetero vanilla sex but it was really sweet and nice and I was totally present the whole time.<\/p>\n

Epilogue: So I thought I had made this totally awesome feminist breakthrough, but then it turned out that he was in the middle of a custody battle where he was being accused of rape and domestic violence, and he denied the whole thing, which was really confusing for me and my politics because I could imagine the feminist tumblr world getting livid at the idea of me repeatedly having sex with an accused rapist, even if I wasn\u2019t in danger, because like it\u2019s providing solace to the enemy, but he just denied it, which made it worse, and it was really confusing, and I didn\u2019t know what to do.<\/p>\n<\/blockquote>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

areyouoverityet: 1. I CAN DO WHATEVER I WANT WITH MY BODY. 2. YOU CAN DO WHATEVER YOU WANT WITH YOUR BODY, LIKE YOU DON\u2019T HAVE TO ASK IF YOU WANNA MASTURBATE DURING SEX. 3. IF YOU WANT TO DO SOMETHING TO ME YOU HAVE TO ASK AND YOU HAVE TO BE EXTREMELY SPECIFIC. GOOD REQUESTS: […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_jetpack_newsletter_access":"","_jetpack_dont_email_post_to_subs":false,"_jetpack_newsletter_tier_id":0,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paywalled_content":false,"_jetpack_feature_clip_id":0,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paid_content":false,"footnotes":"","jetpack_publicize_message":"","jetpack_publicize_feature_enabled":true,"jetpack_social_post_already_shared":true,"jetpack_social_options":{"image_generator_settings":{"template":"highway","default_image_id":0,"font":"","enabled":false},"version":2},"jetpack_post_was_ever_published":false},"categories":[10],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-23113","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-words"],"jetpack_publicize_connections":[],"jetpack_shortlink":"https:\/\/wp.me\/p6PWot-60N","jetpack_sharing_enabled":true,"jetpack_featured_media_url":"","_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/rafaelfajardo.com\/portfolio\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/23113","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/rafaelfajardo.com\/portfolio\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/rafaelfajardo.com\/portfolio\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/rafaelfajardo.com\/portfolio\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/rafaelfajardo.com\/portfolio\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=23113"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/rafaelfajardo.com\/portfolio\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/23113\/revisions"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/rafaelfajardo.com\/portfolio\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=23113"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/rafaelfajardo.com\/portfolio\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=23113"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/rafaelfajardo.com\/portfolio\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=23113"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}